Fugri Spelling

16.04.09 / Uncategorized / Author:

OK, seriously? As I type, I am watching a rerun of the original 90210 – Andrea Zuckerman is petitioning the school board to distribute condoms at school and is spouting off all these AIDS statistics, because this was the era of Addressing Issues, rather than the current reality of Addressing The Importance Of Drinking Dr. Pepper On Road Trips Because Dr. Pepper Paid A Bunch Of Money To Be In This Episode, and Donna Martin’s mom Felice is REALLY opposed to the safe-sex advocacy at school and I sense this may create a rift in the gang — and it is all only underscoring that something is VERY WRONG HERE:

[Photos: Splash News]

Tori Spelling is not supposed to be this thin. I know Tori insists she doesn’t have an eating disorder, and I’m certainly not here to assert that she’s lying. That’s not my job. She might just be really busy, as she claims (although, when I get really busy, I get fatter because I have no time to do anything but snack, snack, snack, and what more perfect snackable food is there but the mighty potato chip?). The point is, I don’t know her life.

But it’s impossible to deny that she can’t be consuming enough nutrients. Look at her! There is NOTHING LEFT. If she turned sideways she would slip through a crack in the floor. That dress is cute, but I guarantee you it is not supposed to accentuate a girl’s assets in this particular manner:

THAT IS NOT RIGHT. This is the part where we all realise Tori has dieted away all her actual flesh, and her boobs WOULD disappear next, except that they’re man-made. So they’re just sitting there, waiting for her to rediscover pasta.

TORI. Listen. Slow down and snap to it, missy. Stop to smell the donuts. Suck back a plate of ribs. Drink a milkshake for the sake of your milkshake. Because this bodes ill for your health, and you do NOT want to force me call Mrs. Teasley and have her symbolically rescind Donna Martin’s hard-won diploma.